Lessons learned…
All posts by Harmoniouscrow
Red and polka dots
Motoring along with the dress after leaving it to “rest” for 24 hours as recommended.
Now on to the binding…
Jetlag, notions, exciting times ahead
I have to say I am so incredibly excited about what’s to come in my business life…
Just before we left on our holiday, a wonderful lady got in touch with me via my Etsy shop saying that she had found my shop and was very keen to strike up a mutually beneficial relationship: seamstress and serious client.
She is looking to get one or two new items every season, and LOVES the idea of her garments being tailored to her exact measurements (she struggles to find well fitted items, just like I do, for our “vintage” body shapes) and even better: SHE LOVES VINTAGE!!!
So we’re in the process of ironing out the details and I am going to complete the dress I started (before Azzie arrived and put everything on pause while we trained her and settled her in with our beautiful Gina) a while back and start putting up photos of it (with images of the detail work, as best as I can show it) on my Etsy site and this website. She is busy purchasing vintage patterns for things she wants made, and is also sourcing fabric and notions for them all. She’s also had some interest from other people she knows and they will see how our first collaboration turns out…
I am so nervous, but so thrilled that this chance has happened! It’s exactly what I was hoping for, dreaming of, and I am keen to get started and show my skills and attention to detail and my meticulous nature at work…
In other news:
Azzie has settled in nicely, and her training is coming along very well. Gina has taught her some very good lessons in behaviour and strangely, Azzie has even managed to show Gina some things (not all bad, either!) as well. The time they spent together at the pet hotel (2 weeks) has also brought them a little closer together, and you can see they are starting to form a good bond: Azzie just needs to learn to calm down, as Gina does not like a “stressed” or overexcited dog. No dogs do, really. Azzie has, however, come a long way and we are very proud of her. They have both stuck by our sides since we picked them on Monday and you can feel the love (and relief I suppose – I think perhaps Azzie thought she had been dropped off yet again, at another foster home, so she was even happier to see us than Gina – if that’s possible!) coming from their big beautiful eyes. You can tell that Azzie is doing her absolute best to be on good behaviour, and please us as best she can. She’s growing up into a sweet dog. Gina has grown up in a matter of weeks too… It was her 4th birthday on the 27th February (a few days before we picked them up) and she’s definitely left the “pup” days (even for a Berner) behind her. Luckily, Azzie is still keeping her a happy girl by forcing her to react in a puppy like way to her antics.
They were pretty unfit so we’ve been trying to take it easy, but also get them back into a routine for their walks. So they are both pretty exhausted the last couple of days…
Brutally truthy
One thing I can always count on my husband for, is the brutal truth.
He sees me from a totally different perspective and sometimes he sees far more than I realise.
In an argument recently, he called me a hypocrite.
I vehemently denied that I was, that it was just hard to explain my opinion, that I was just looking at things differently…
but after I thought about it for a while (angrily wiping my snot and tears) I came to the truth like a punch in the throat:
He is right.
I am a hypocrite.
It was like being kicked in the heart. But it was necessary. I needed to see it. Needed to hear it. Rather from him – who I know loves me – than from a stranger.
My desperate need to please everyone, all the time – usually to my detriment – causes me to back off from having an opinion, from standing up for something I believe in. It makes me say one thing in public and another in private. There shouldn’t be this disconnect, this two-faced self that I am.
It makes me as bad as the rest. My high horse is nothing but a mop with a piece of string tied to it.
My heart still hurts. I feel scraped out like a peanut butter jar at the end of the month. Like there’s nothing real left inside.
But I think… I _hope_ that this means I can start finding me again.
I don’t know where I lost myself. Not the first time I’ve done this. Took me years to be content with myself, last time.
Years.
But then I was happy. I was true to myself. I didn’t change anything for anyone. I was good to myself.
It was like this at the start – and I cannot and I do not blame this on my husband: he has been nothing but supportive, pushing me to pursue my dreams and anything that I wanted to do to make me feel better about myself – but somehow, I start to “slip” and then I start to be deferential, and then I start to sit fences and then I stop having my own opinion at all. I just “fit myself in” wherever it’s needed. I am a chameleon. But not as beautiful or as amazing. It’s all on the surface.
There is a deepness to me – I am not shallow. That is not one of my faults – but it’s covered in a layer of … ice? Earth? Like a deep cavern – so deep in the earth, so dark and cold and hidden away that nobody would ever find it. And while it would stay “Safe” it would never see the light of the sun.
So I’m taking a break from facebook. from drama. from trying to say what i think everyone needs to hear. from saying one thing and then pretending it never came from me in case it offends someone.
I need to find me again.
I need to find my crow. My tiger. I want to be proud to be me again.
Guest Post – Ways Veterans Can Stay Healthy
I was not aware of it, but apparently I actually do have an “audience” out there on the internet. I became aware of this a few days ago when a lovely lady called Emily mailed me and asked if she could do a guest spot on my blog as she had some tips for staying healthy, for military veterans – PTSD and TBI help included.
Of course, I am more than willing to share – and if she gets a good response (from my enormous audience *cough*) I am sure there would be more guest posts in the future from her.
This is her little “blurb” that she sent me when I (finally – yes, it took me a while) responded to her email:
My name is Emily Walsh and I am the Community Outreach Blogger for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. I happened to come across your blog and wanted to let you know that I really enjoy reading it. I currently write for the MCA on many different topics that relate to veteran and military health, including some of the lesser-known health risks, and would love to write a post for your blog.
While the health risks of being in the military can be frightening, there are effective ways to deal with all of the problems that may arise from time in the service. I truly believe this information is of great value to those active or retired, and especially their loved ones. I am confident my article would be a good addition and important message for your audience.
This is her small article:
Ways Veterans Can Stay Healthy
Veterans served their countries for many years and deserve to be honored for their
efforts. Unfortunately, some of them can encounter a number of health problems
after they get done with their service including mesothelioma, traumatic brain
injuries, post-traumatic stress disorder and gunshot wounds. It is very important for
veterans to do everything they can to stay healthy. If you are a veteran, here are
some of the ways you can maintain good health.
Eat Healthy
As a veteran, it is important to eat a healthy diet to keep your immune system
healthy. Make sure to fill your diet with fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole
grains. Try to limit your intake of greasy and processed foods because they offer
very little nutritional value. If you decide to eat something fattening or unhealthy, try
to at least limit your portion size.
Visit Your Doctor Regularly
It is extremely important to visit your doctor regularly. A doctor will give you a full
examination and find out if you have any underlying health issues. If your doctor is
able to detect a health problem early, it will be much easier for him to treat it. Try to
visit your doctor at least every six months and be sure to tell him if you are
experiencing any health problems.
Exercise on a Regular Basis
Exercising regularly will not just keep your weight down; it will also boost your
immune system and make you stronger. Try to exercise at least four to five days a
week for 30 minutes. Do activities you enjoy like running, biking, swimming or
dancing. Consider working out with a friend or family member so that you avoid
getting bored. If you do not like working out outside, consider getting a gym
membership. Health clubs have great exercise equipment that can help keep you in
shape.
Although you can’t ever be sure if you will have health problems, following these tips
can help you stay healthier. If you exercise, eat healthy and visit your doctor
regularly, you will be much more likely to stay healthy and avoid getting diseases
that affect veterans.
A mental raccoon moment
*rustle rustle*
Hello 🙂
I realised I haven’t posted in a while and I wanted to gather myself a bit and put down my thoughts from the last few weeks.
* Azzie is coming along very nicely. We seem to have sorted out her tummy issues with careful application of 100% pure pumpkin for when it was very bad (yes, I will swear by it) and boiled chicken and plain rice (white or brown, it doesn’t matter – they both work) – first as total meal, and then adding her dry food very slowly. Now she is eating her full portion of dry food, but still with chicken and rice (just a little bit) which I am slowly removing, once we know her stomach is completely settled and stable. I think they both got a bug, which they passed back and forth between them for a few days. So I washed all their toys, bowls, Kongs and bedding and blankets and it seems to have gone away… We’re taking it slow, and we’re sticking to one brand of food, too. I don’t think our search for the “right brand” helped her puppy tummy, either.
As far as her training, manners, behaviour are concerned: we are impressed. She sleeps through the night, no issues and she is learning very fast. They are highly intelligent, these dogs, and she’s definitely on a par with Gina, despite her young age. We’re working on a few bad habits (that she picked up from Gina as well) with both of them, but we see progress every day, so it’s a positive thing. I’m trying my best to use positive training – but I would say I use a mix of it. I’m not 100% positive reinforcement, as much as I would like to be.
I adore Azzie, and I am learning to love her (I will admit we butted heads a lot in the beginning and we still do sometimes – she’s very stubborn) but I must say that it was much simpler with just Gina. She and I were tight. Close. Amigos during the day and when husband went away. I just hope she doesn’t feel like she’s been usurped by Azzie, because I still love Gina far more – that’s being honest. I don’t dislike Azzie – not in the least – and I wouldn’t want to lose her now – she is part of our family and we stick by her through everything – but I think that it was such a huge undertaking, such an enormous jolt to our quiet little lives, when she arrived, that my … id? my ego? my… nature?… something… it’s still settling. She’s only been with us just on 2 months now. It feels like forever though – and not always in a good way, to put it bluntly. I was so used to my calm, gentle, well-behaved G-Girl, that it was just an attack on my senses: this wild, stubborn, enormous pawed, white toothed monster who took whatever she wanted, ate everything, lay where she wanted, didn’t listen to anyone, pushed Gina around and jealously destroyed toys that Gina had had for years if we paid too much attention elsewhere. At least _that_ has eased off.
She is lovely though, and her personality is finally emerging and she’s calming down and settling in with us and I know she is happy now she has a family too – and I would never take that away from her. I would never want to! She grows on you 🙂 I am sure that in a years time we will look back and laugh (and sigh in relief) that all this “crazy” is over and she’s a sweet, kind, gentle, CALM, little munchkin – like her big “sister” Gina.
* More snow! We’ve had a few days of snow now, and apparently a few more to come… which is awesome, as I love the snow and so do my dogs! Husband is not so keen, but he knows the dogs love it, so he grumbles less when he takes them out and they play around like hooligans in it 🙂 You can’t help but pick up on their enthusiasm for the weather… it makes you smile.
* My sewing should pick up again as soon as my sewing paper arrives – tracing paper for patterns. I tried wax paper and it worked, for one brand, but every other brand I tried is too slippery to write on, so I had to give that up and just buy proper stuff online.
My material for my pencil/wiggle skirt arrived, so I can’t wait to start on that either.. that should (SHOULD – without puppy interruptions, of course) be a one day thing, maybe two. I just really want to COMPLETE something now… I’m tired of sitting here in seamstress limbo…
* I was asked to take photos at another military ceremony (a promotion for an awesome man and great officer) recently and I was honoured to be asked. Photos came out well, despite my Speedlight giving me issues. I know that I have grown as a photographer, when something like that doesn’t phase me and I still manage to get the job done! The Viper Pit has honed my skills, for sure.
* I’m missing home terribly, recently. My friend Steph says it’s probably because everything is settling into a “normal” routine here, and I finally have come down to earth and feel the distance because I am no longer focused on other things (my green card, viper pit, school, moving). I miss my mom. I miss my beautiful dogs back home too, and my gorgeous cats. I even miss my brother.
* My husband is moving forward nicely in his school, and I am exceptionally proud of him. He’s almost completed his Maths module and has seemingly discovered a strange love/hate relationship with mathematics that he didn’t realise he had. I think I felt the same at one point, when I was in school, but after my head injury my brain is just too scattered sometimes to focus as one should. I’ve managed to keep up with him, so far, and managed to help him figure out some steps a few times… but mostly I just feel a bit pathetic and lost. It’s a horrible feeling for me – I’m not saying I was a genius before, but it’s times like that when I become aware of how much my thought processes have been scrambled from my head injury, and because I have not had to “use” those processes necessary for mathematics and more “logical” thought (which is surprising, for someone who is, generally, very logical and rational) I seem to have “lost” the pathways necessary for it. I’m very sure that with repetition and practice I would get it back, with new pathways formed in my brain, but I am a little scared that if I try, and it doesn’t come back… I am scared of how I would feel. I would feel humiliated. I would feel “less’ than I was before. I think I avoid “trying” so that I can’t disappoint myself.
That’s being pretty honest with myself. I didn’t think I could put that down in writing. There it is.
I need a cup of tea and a headache tablet.
Stay strong, TBI sufferers. There’s always hope, and we have more strength than we know.
End of the world? Just as we know it?
Woke up this morning and had REM’s song “It’s the end of the world as we know it” running through my mind 🙂
21st December 2012. (21.12.2012 in normal usage… 12.21.2012 for the Americans)
I’m hoping the “end of the world” just means an end to the bad and a start of a new age – enlightenment sounds so cliche and hippy, but I mean it in the best possible way. A new age of reason, logic, peace… maybe?
Azzie is coming along nicely – a few accidents along the way (like today… but we will not speak of it) – and we even left her and Gina alone for 4 hours yesterday afternoon (it was after lunch for them too!) and there were no accidents, or silliness when we got home!
We were so proud!
She also sleeps all through the night now – from bed time to wake up time… sometimes she gets us up a little early, but 45 minutes maybe… nothing major. We get up anyway!
She’s also behaving a lot better on her leash (on harness or collar) and responding very well to commands (especially “come” and “sit”) and she even learned “down” and does it easily, as long as you have a treat in your hand 🙂
The snow melted unfortunately, but it came down briefly yesterday and we had a nice covering for the dogs to play in 🙂
We’ve had rain mostly, for the last week or so… and more to come, I believe.
So things are moving along… I am hoping to get back to my sewing as well, now that I know I can trust her alone for a little while.
Need to make some space on the dining room table! See if I can move my laptop over a bit perhaps.
I’ll work it out.
Upon reflection…
Another much better night with Azzie after my husband and I made some compromises with her – I came to some conclusions about myself and about the dogs, and about life in general. Very deep, I know – but it happens sometimes.
She slept 4 hours, did her business outside quickly, and then slept another 5 hours right up until the time my husband and I normally wake up – I set no alarms, but let her wake me when she needed to go out. I was so proud of her! I managed to get at least 6, maybe 7 hours of sleep this way, as opposed to 3 or 4. It caused a marked improvement in my attitude and mental state, let me tell you.
She also vomited up the (entire) soft cloth chew toy that she guzzled down 2 days ago, early this morning. I so relieved that it came out in tact, and that it had not caused any damage to her insides.
She grows daily – she is now too large to sleep in her crate and that’s another reason we came to a compromise: she gets her “in your bed” treat ball, and she happily goes into her crate turns around and sits for it. She eats it in the crate, but then is free to come out and sleep where she wants in the bedroom. Surprisingly, this is not always ON the bed, as I assumed it would be. She likes to be able to stretch out, and to find different areas of the room to stay cool. Berners run very warm most of the time (summer is a nightmare for these poor pups) so she spends a lot of her time (And Gina as well) laying on her back with her legs in the air, on the cold tiles. She gets up on the bed only after I’ve taken her down for her loo break (around 0130) and demands cuddles… then gets off and goes and plops down (The Berner Flop) somewhere to get cool again.
I also noticed (this morning) a wonderful improvement in her eating habits – she no longer hoovers the food down, but actually chews each piece and slowly investigates her food toy to make sure she gets all the yummy stuff out. She even LEFT some kibble in her bowl this morning!
She is also taking her treats so much more gently! No longer biting your fingers or shoving your hand halfway down her throat.
There has been a breakthrough in her attitude, as well as mine, I think.
I hope it continues – I will be disappointed, but not surprised, if she has a few relapses. She’s just pup – but she’s definitely starting to show the gentle Berner nature now, in between stubborn fits, of course 🙂
Gina is playing more with her as well. They sleep next to each other sometimes, in the passageway and on the one bed that I put down in the lounge (there is another bed, but Azzie wants to be close to Gina if at all possible – I think this is why the compromise has worked: She feels like part of the family, finally.)
They are BOTH enjoying the snow so much it’s ludicrous! Azzie does head first plowing and flops over and rolls around in it at every opportunity – especially soft powder snow! Gina eats the icy bits and loves to catch the snow if you throw it in the air for her. She is loving the cooler weather as well. These dogs were born for this, and it shows!
Clean slate, fresh start.
Due to some technical issues, I have unfortunately kinda “lost” my old posts and media.
My techno-whiz friend Vanessa (of The Vanessa Macleod Creative Agency ) has done what she can to save my archives (all the way back to 2006!) and they will be available as she gets the chance to import them.
But for now…
It begins again, from here.
So this is my first “proper” post on my new host.
A small update, I suppose, as I try and remember what I last posted about and what has happened since then!
First things first – just over a week ago (Saturday 24 November 2012) my husband and I made the decision to adopt/rescue another Bernese Mountain Dog. She was being moved from foster to foster and was already 7 months old and we wanted to give her a good home.
Her name is Azerenka Victoria – we call her Azzie.
She is a gorgeous girl with enormous paws (larger than a Great Dane’s, actually) and lots of puppy manic energy.
She’s learning fast – very intelligent, like the rest of her breed – but we are in the middle of house training her. Yes, 7 months old and not house trained. She’s from a litter of 11 so she was initially used to fighting for every scrap of food or treat or anything, and she never had her own toys.
She’s come a long way in the week or more that we’ve had her – no more hoarding of toys, no more snapping at Gina when it came to food, no more panicked hoovering of her food to the point where she can hardly breathe.
She’s calmed down, has learned “sit” and “wait” and “uh uh” and “no” and “good girl” and is happily going in to her crate at night.
She has, quite understandably, quite severe separation issues, but we will work on those once we get her house trained – she’s growing DAILY, literally, and soon she will be too large for her crate, so we need to work on the house training first! Right now my husband are exhausted, as we have to take 2 hour shifts to take her downstairs to pee or poop (or both!) – slowly extending the time by a few minutes each night. But it’s slow going – we don’t want to have any accidents, so we go backward in our training with her.
Gina has bonded quite well with her – after the initial posturing and figuring out who is in charge – G is starting to stand up for herself (a lot of that confidence is from playing tug of war with my husband – he goes on hands and knees and uses his teeth like a dog) and there is no more tension between them. Sometimes Azzie oversteps a bit, she’s a puppy – but Gina very clearly and quickly puts her back in place, without drama. She’s a gentle soul, our G-Girl, and she’s being every bit the “big sister” – including bad habits! But we’re working on that too.
One thing at a time, and baby steps!
Secondly – SNOW! SNOW SNOW AND MORE SNOW!!! It’s WONDERFUL!!! Bloody cold at night, when husband and I do our shifts taking Azzie down… but I’m still enjoying it immensely! My only issue is that my snow boots don’t do well with lots of water – they handle snow fine – so I get soaked, cold feet when we walk out in the slush, or in the wet grass. Meh. So I’m going through a lot of socks!
Thirdly – due to the new puppy and our tiring schedules with her, husband and I have not been swimming, and I have not been running since we got her 🙁 We can’t leave her on her own yet, as she barks (LOUDLY! She has a HUGE bark) and we don’t want her to be a nuisance. We’ll work on that later. I told husband he needs to go though, on his own. I will give him his training schedule and he must just do it. However, with all the snow and icy weather, the roads (especially the very long, steep hill up to the swimming pool) are pretty dangerous, and Helga sometimes gets so cold she doesn’t want to close her door… Plus, husband is so tired from our up and downs at night that he is just not up for it.
We’re hoping that as we get the time extended between pee breaks, for Azzie, we can start finding a bit more energy for other things!
Try Something New
My husband and I make a point of trying something new whenever we can.
Food is a large part of our lifestyle – we both love good food and we are always trying to maintain a balance between healthy food and tasty food and of course, new kinds of food!I do my best in the kitchen – I love to cook – and 95% of the time, my “concoctions” come out really well. There are quite a few experimental dishes that are now my husband’s firm favourites and I make them at least once a week. Shrimp and rice (with garlic and olive oil and lemon juice and a dash of cream) or couscous. I prefer rice (brown or wild) to plain white now, and so does my husband.
We also eat wholewheat pasta and wholewheat/wholegrain breads.I’ve changed my husband’s eating habits quite dramatically over the last couple of years, and now that I am living with him and cooking for him every day, even more so. I’ve cut his salt intake drastically, upped his vegetable portions and introduced him to leaner meats. We tried out some bison burgers the other day (80% bison meat, 20% beef) and also got some ground bison. One of my husband’s new favourite dishes is a simple one that my mother often made (and still makes!) for dinner – with ground beef (which we substitute with bison as often as we can afford – it’s a very expensive menu item change!) and chutney (not Mrs Balls, unfortunately – a beloved local favourite and ingredient in almost every single dish made by South Africans! ketchup and some soy sauce (low sodium, of course!) and well fried onions and sometimes some mushrooms and green bell pepper.
Through trial and error, I also discovered a type of fish that is sold at the commissary, called tilapia, which tastes remarkably like hake – which is another firm favourite of South Africans. I made beer batter and nice chunky oven chips to go with it. I also throw in some PEAS – which are not my husband’s preferred vegetable, but are definitely mine!These are all things we would never have discovered if we didn’t both have the “I’ll try it once!” attitude.
So next time you are wanting a change – try something new! Most of the time, it works! When it doesn’t, you simply learn from your mistake and move on! I’ve made quite a few culinary woopsies and my wonderful husband just says, “Well.. maybe don’t make that again…” or “Not your best, babe.”I take it in, and I look for something new!This afternoon, for a snack, I tucked into something different: an Oriental Pear. I didn’t know what to expect (I hadn’t read anything online about them) and I was rather pleasantly surprised! They have the consistency of an apple, but the delicious flavour of a pear. There is also a very faint tang of anise or something like it. I’ll definitely be getting them again – perhaps next time I will grill them (or as the American’s say “broil”) with some honey and nuts?
Try something new! Open your mind! Broaden your horizons!