Tag Archives: life

Today Is A New Day

Everyone has mantras. Things we say to get us through a difficult day.

Yesterday was a pretty crappy day – not all for me, but mostly for my husband – and thus, for me. I feel everything he feels. I honestly do. We’re connected.

 

So today, when I had a quiet moment to myself, I came up with this one:

Today is a new day – start fresh

Today is life – it’s happening now

Yesterday is gone – you can’t change it

Tomorrow does not exist yet – you can’t worry about it

Go out and Live, damnit.

Furry mom moment #656372

We got up at some terribly early hour this morning and got everyone ready to go.

Azzie was THRILLED to go for a car ride – Gina was her usual serene self.

IMG_20130309_092023

Open windows for the slow parts of the ride and then we were on the autobahn and on our way.

It’s about a 35 to 40 minute drive and Azzie was finally settled by the time we were 5 minutes out, of course 🙂

She’s my wild child.

IMG_20130325_120706

So we got there early (as suggested) and waited for them to open the doors. Got in first, first in line, so we sat in the waiting room and filled out forms and Azzie and Gina said hi to the other waiting patients and then _kinda_ settled a bit.

I was then asked to go to the exam room with Azzie for her quick vitals check. Gina gave her a nose kiss before she headed off.

Azzie calmed down enough for the tech to check her pulse, but her heart was still pounding from all the excitement. I did tell them she gets very excited and they just need to give her a moment to settle…

I said they need to do all the finicky stuff when she’s out, otherwise they will have a crazy little bear on their hands!

Only thing they can’t do while she is sedated is taking blood… Good luck with that, I told them.

Luckily, they are true professionals with years of experience and the vet herself was taking the blood, so I am not worried. Hopefully they can give her something to calm her before they start all that kind of stuff.

The vet finally arrived (she had been stuck in traffic) and she checked Azzie over quickly and explained what she was going to do, etc.

Azzie was very respectful of Dr Gundel – a little unsure as well. But I have heard great things about the Dr and I was very happy to hear we would have her as our vet. Then Dr G said it was time for me to go and for them to go take blood and get Azzie ready for her surgery. My heart nearly squished its way out of my mouth I had such a sudden rush of fear/worry/anxiety for my precious little furry child. Is that what moms feel like? As Dr G led her away and I walked off down the corridor I felt like crying! It was crazy! I felt so bad for the poor little tyke – head down, tail down, slinking along. She went semi-willingly – there was no lead tugging – so I am hoping she is not too traumatised. My poor baby.

So today I will be keeping my phone close, but hoping that I hear nothing – because that means it’s all good.

We will see her again later this afternoon.

Hope she forgives us!

 

 

 

fabricmartfabrics dot com rocks

Just a little update on the whole mood fabrics vs me:

I got no response from them – waited most of the day, checked my spam, checked the site (in case they responded on my account) but nada.

They lose, as I found the most amazing store EVER – Fabric Mart Fabrics!

fabricmartfabrics

Not ONLY do they ship to APO, offer payment via PayPal and have huge discounts for account holders – they have a gigantic range of fabrics for anything you need, and they are at exceptionally good prices EVEN when they are not on sale! They ALSO give you a FREE bundle of 6 yards of “mystery” fabrics! 2 Dark, 1 light, 2 yards each. Isn’t that AWESOME?

I am thrilled with them! The suit fabric for the 1940’s suit is all ordered, along with lining and the gorgeous Italian silk crepe de chine for the blouse. So excited!

 

So thanks, Fabric Mart – I am now a LOYAL customer!

 

 

Complications and frustrations

There I was, soaring high on the new project that came in from another potentially long term client – the gorgeous 1940’s inspired suit  – when, unfortunately, my little feathery self hit a wall.

This wall is partly because of where we are stationed (and the fact that we are military) and some strange issue with the website that would not allow me to actually MAKE the payment!

I tried two different credit cards (both with adequate funds) and I tried 3 different browsers (in case the extensions/plugins on my Firefox or Chrome were creating the issue) and I tried 3 different delivery addresses – as it kept vehemently yelling at me in bright red block letters that they “DO NOT SHIP TO POST OFFICE BOXES”

Well, Mood Fabrics, my address is APO, not PO and you really should offer the option of alternate addresses in your billing and shipping forms!!

 

I tried calling them on their customer service number, but alas, also due to my location it just wouldn’t connect properly. So I had to resort to sending them a message via their in-page comment system. Hopefully they will reply soon. I need to get this fabric shipped ASAP so I can start on this massive undertaking and get it done in the time I have allotted for it.

I also had issues with the website timing out and LOSING MY ENTIRE SHOPPING LIST – it happened at least 5 times. At least. 

In order to keep the list of the matching thread to fabric colours, I mailed myself my shopping list.

shopping bag list

If they don’t respond tomorrow (my time) I will be incredibly peeved as the fabrics I chose were absolutely gorgeous and PERFECT for this project. I’ve been wading through hundreds (chrome was straining under the number of tabs open) of online fabric stores and so far I haven’t really found anything as good as mood, OR as well priced! That gets my goat!

So please, mood fabrics, get your butts in gear and get back to me!

 

 

Strangers in a Strange Land.

I am an Army wife. I live on an Army post with my Army husband.

He is American. I am not. We live in Europe. We are both foreigners here, except when we are on our little “piece of the USA” which is the little post up in the mountains where we live. Then I am the foreigner. It’s a strange concept to me sometimes, but not a terrible thing. I like being different, and I don’t really need social interaction much, as I live with my best friend anyway! 🙂

If we were living in the USA, I think this would be more of an issue than it is here. Here, there are many “foreign” wives – wives who are not American, I mean. I have met many German spouses living here – so they are only foreigners when they are on post, like me – and I have met many Russian, Spanish, French, Italian and other European spouses. We (the “foreign” wives) seem to be drawn to each other in many ways. The language issue – not so much in my case, as I do speak English as a first language – seems to be the biggest barrier for making friends with the American wives. Another major thing is the cultural issue. Americans are very different to the rest of the world – it’s not a bad thing or a good thing, it’s just a fact of life – and this stands out very clearly in a place like this. They stick with each other and tend to gravitate toward each other in the same way us “Ausländers” do. Perfectly natural, anthropologically. Trying to explain these cultural differences is very difficult when you can’t see it in person. It’s little things and big things.

The unfortunate attitude toward family pets is the one that gets to me. It’s not everyone, for sure, but it’s an upsetting amount of the military/American population living here. They don’t seem to understand that dogs need space. Dogs need to interact with other dogs. Dogs need to WALK. Dogs need mental AND physical exercise. Big dogs need physical exercise, small dogs need mental challenges and lots of exercise. A large majority of the people living on this post (and I’m told, generally everywhere) don’t seem to get this idea. They seem to think it’s perfectly acceptable to keep a big dog (there are many Golden Retrievers, Labradors, GSD’s that I have seen/heard) in an apartment and only take them out twice a day to pee and poop. And that’s it.

And then they wonder why their Chihuahua is nasty and nippy and attacking visitors, or their Labrador chews on their furniture and shreds their socks, or their poodle is pooping on their bed, even after going outside. It boggles my mind that, despite so much evidence for exercise and social interaction as a correction for this, they just don’t see this correlation. It actually pisses me off. I offered my services, when I first arrived, to walk dogs for people who were just not getting the time (babies, half day jobs, etc) to do it themselves – but I had no responses. It was quite surprising to me! I wasn’t even charging much!

As I said – it’s not all of them! I know quite a few who walk their dogs regularly and take them to the dog park to play almost every day or on the weekends. But they are, sadly, not as many as you’d hope. But, in comparison, I know FAR more “foreign” pet owners (especially the Germans – they love their dogs) who are truly dedicated to the well-being of their pets. In fact, I don’t think I’ve met ONE foreign spouse here with a dog, who I have not seen out walking with them daily.

Of course the rest could just be inside and I’ve never seen them because they never get out! *shrug* I am open to convincing arguments…

The number of pets (cats, dogs, rabbits, you name it!) that are abandoned on army posts when the family leaves, is disgusting. It’s not surprising that the local rescue centres and adoption agencies generally won’t ALLOW Americans to adopt animals from them. They refuse. If you are in any way affiliated with the US military, they won’t let you even look. They’ve had enough of cleaning up after them. This is sad for the wonderful people who DO care for their animals and DO want to make a difference.

The reason I am ranting away is because recently we have been trying to catch a stray dog running around on post. Initially I thought it was a friend’s dog, but thankfully, he is safe and sound still. So this big, stray dog (and he’s most likely a mountain dog, like mine) has been “loose” for about 2 weeks or more now. Sightings have him looking thin, bedraggled, matted and dirty… and very scared. 2 Weeks and there have been no posters put up (and you CAN get permission for a lost dog poster) nor any postings on the local animal support websites or Facebook pages (and there are quite a few) and the MPs have only now gotten involved because someone actually piped up and said she’d seen him digging in the garbage and was worried for the poor boy and she posted this on our local animal support site. So now that more eyes are involved, the search and rescue operation is now in full effect. But, TWO WEEKS? How can any caring soul have just done NOTHING when their dog went missing? They could have told neighbours to be on the look out, or told the MPs, or asked for an email to be sent to their unit to keep an eye out.

If it was intentionally left out, so they didn’t have to deal with the cost of flying him/her home to the US, what does that say about them? How does a HUMAN BEING make a conscious decision to just abandon a trusting, loyal dog? Or their cats (so many are just left in the buildings, or in the stairwells, or just kicked out into the cold completely) and even rabbits? German animal shelters are no-kill shelters. Surely they could have tried taking the dog to one? The Germans won’t refuse any animals if they have space. If they are full, they suggest somewhere else. They _love_ their animals and they are RESPONSIBLE for them through their whole lives. There’s a sad lacking of that in the military community. Everything seems to be disposable. And that’s very sad, to me.

Once again, it’s not all of them – but it’s a scarily large number and it breaks my heart. It gives the good military people (and that’s 90%, seriously) such a bad reputation and it makes things difficult for them to do any good.

Ok. Rant over.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

My thanks to all my friends (foreign and “domestic”) who love and care for their animals – AND other people’s animals – and are trying to do the right thing, always.

I hope we can catch this poor bedraggled pooch before it’s too late.

Brutally truthy

One thing I can always count on my husband for, is the brutal truth.

He sees me from a totally different perspective and sometimes he sees far more than I realise.

In an argument recently, he called me a hypocrite.

I vehemently denied that I was, that it was just hard to explain my opinion, that I was just looking at things differently…

but after I thought about it for a while (angrily wiping my snot and tears) I came to the truth like a punch in the throat:

He is right.

I am a hypocrite.

It was like being kicked in the heart. But it was necessary. I needed to see it. Needed to hear it. Rather from him – who I know loves me – than from a stranger.

My desperate need to please everyone, all the time – usually to my detriment – causes me to back off from having an opinion, from standing up for something I believe in. It makes me say one thing in public and another in private. There shouldn’t be this disconnect, this two-faced self that I am.

It makes me as bad as the rest. My high horse is nothing but a mop with a piece of string tied to it.

My heart still hurts. I feel scraped out like a peanut butter jar at the end of the month. Like there’s nothing real left inside.

But I think… I _hope_ that this means I can start finding me again.

I don’t know where I lost myself. Not the first time I’ve done this. Took me years to be content with myself, last time.

Years.

But then I was happy. I was true to myself. I didn’t change anything for anyone. I was good to myself.

It was like this at the start – and I cannot and I do not blame this on my husband: he has been nothing but supportive, pushing me to pursue my dreams and anything that I wanted to do to make me feel better about myself – but somehow, I start to “slip” and then I start to be deferential, and then I start to sit fences and then I stop having my own opinion at all. I just “fit myself in” wherever it’s needed. I am a chameleon. But not as beautiful or as amazing. It’s all on the surface.

There is a deepness to me – I am not shallow. That is not one of my faults – but it’s covered in a layer of … ice? Earth? Like a deep cavern – so deep in the earth, so dark and cold and hidden away that nobody would ever find it. And while it would stay “Safe” it would never see the light of the sun.

 

So I’m taking a break from facebook. from drama. from trying to say what i think everyone needs to hear. from saying one thing and then pretending it never came from me in case it offends someone.

I need to find me again.

I need to find my crow. My tiger. I want to be proud to be me again.

Climb up Get back

 

Guest Post – Ways Veterans Can Stay Healthy

I was not aware of it, but apparently I actually do have an “audience” out there on the internet. I became aware of this a few days ago when a lovely lady called Emily mailed me and asked if she could do a guest spot on my blog as she had some tips for staying healthy, for military veterans – PTSD and TBI help included.

Of course, I am more than willing to share – and if she gets a good response (from my enormous audience *cough*) I am sure there would be more guest posts in the future from her.

This is her little “blurb” that she sent me when I (finally – yes, it took me a while) responded to her email:

My name is Emily Walsh and I am the Community Outreach Blogger for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. I happened to come across your blog and wanted to let you know that I really enjoy reading it. I currently write for the MCA on many different topics that relate to veteran and military health, including some of the lesser-known health risks, and would love to write a post for your blog.

While the health risks of being in the military can be frightening, there are effective ways to deal with all of the problems that may arise from time in the service. I truly believe this information is of great value to those active or retired, and especially their loved ones. I am confident my article would be a good addition and important message for your audience.

This is her small article:

Ways Veterans Can Stay Healthy

Veterans served their countries for many years and deserve to be honored for their
efforts. Unfortunately, some of them can encounter a number of health problems
after they get done with their service including mesothelioma, traumatic brain
injuries, post-traumatic stress disorder and gunshot wounds. It is very important for
veterans to do everything they can to stay healthy. If you are a veteran, here are
some of the ways you can maintain good health.

Eat Healthy
As a veteran, it is important to eat a healthy diet to keep your immune system
healthy. Make sure to fill your diet with fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole
grains. Try to limit your intake of greasy and processed foods because they offer
very little nutritional value. If you decide to eat something fattening or unhealthy, try
to at least limit your portion size.

Visit Your Doctor Regularly
It is extremely important to visit your doctor regularly. A doctor will give you a full
examination and find out if you have any underlying health issues. If your doctor is
able to detect a health problem early, it will be much easier for him to treat it. Try to
visit your doctor at least every six months and be sure to tell him if you are
experiencing any health problems.

Exercise on a Regular Basis
Exercising regularly will not just keep your weight down; it will also boost your
immune system and make you stronger. Try to exercise at least four to five days a
week for 30 minutes. Do activities you enjoy like running, biking, swimming or
dancing. Consider working out with a friend or family member so that you avoid
getting bored. If you do not like working out outside, consider getting a gym
membership. Health clubs have great exercise equipment that can help keep you in
shape.

Although you can’t ever be sure if you will have health problems, following these tips
can help you stay healthier. If you exercise, eat healthy and visit your doctor
regularly, you will be much more likely to stay healthy and avoid getting diseases
that affect veterans.

 

A mental raccoon moment

*rustle rustle*

Hello 🙂

I realised I haven’t posted in a while and I wanted to gather myself a bit and put down my thoughts from the last few weeks.

 

* Azzie is coming along very nicely. We seem to have sorted out her tummy issues with careful application of 100% pure pumpkin for when it was very bad (yes, I will swear by it) and boiled chicken and plain rice (white or brown, it doesn’t matter – they both work) – first as total meal, and then adding her dry food very slowly. Now she is eating her full portion of dry food, but still with chicken and rice (just a little bit) which I am slowly removing, once we know her stomach is completely settled and stable.  I think they both got a bug, which they passed back and forth between them for a few days. So I washed all their toys, bowls, Kongs and bedding and blankets and it seems to have gone away… We’re taking it slow, and we’re sticking to one brand of food, too. I don’t think our search for the “right brand” helped her puppy tummy, either.

As far as her training, manners, behaviour are concerned: we are impressed. She sleeps through the night, no issues and she is learning very fast. They are highly intelligent, these dogs, and she’s definitely on a par with Gina, despite her young age. We’re working on a few bad habits (that she picked up from Gina as well) with both of them, but we see progress every day, so it’s a positive thing. I’m trying my best to use positive training – but I would say I use a mix of it. I’m not 100% positive reinforcement, as much as I would like to be.

I adore Azzie, and I am learning to love her (I will admit we butted heads a lot in the beginning and we still do sometimes – she’s very stubborn) but I must say that it was much simpler with just Gina. She and I were tight. Close. Amigos during the day and when husband went away. I just hope she doesn’t feel like she’s been usurped by Azzie, because I still love Gina far more – that’s being honest. I don’t dislike Azzie – not in the least – and I wouldn’t want to lose her now – she is part of our family and we stick by her through everything –  but I think that it was such a huge undertaking, such an enormous jolt to our quiet little lives, when she arrived, that my … id? my ego? my… nature?… something… it’s still settling. She’s only been with us just on 2 months now. It feels like forever though – and not always in a good way, to put it bluntly. I was so used to my calm, gentle, well-behaved G-Girl, that it was just an attack on my senses: this wild, stubborn, enormous pawed, white toothed monster who took whatever she wanted, ate everything, lay where she wanted, didn’t listen to anyone, pushed Gina around and jealously destroyed toys that Gina had had for years if we paid too much attention elsewhere. At least _that_ has eased off.

She is lovely though, and her personality is finally emerging and she’s calming down and settling in with us and I know she is happy now she has a family too – and I would never take that away from her. I would never want to! She grows on you 🙂 I am sure that in a years time we will look back and laugh (and sigh in relief) that all this “crazy” is over and she’s a sweet, kind,  gentle, CALM, little munchkin – like her big “sister” Gina.

* More snow! We’ve had a few days of snow now, and apparently a few more to come… which is awesome, as I love the snow and so do my dogs! Husband is not so keen, but he knows the dogs love it, so he grumbles less when he takes them out and they play around like hooligans in it 🙂 You can’t help but pick up on their enthusiasm for the weather… it makes you smile.

* My sewing should pick up again as soon as my sewing paper arrives – tracing paper for patterns. I tried wax paper and it worked, for one brand, but every other brand I tried is too slippery to write on, so I had to give that up and just buy proper stuff online.

My material for my pencil/wiggle skirt arrived, so I can’t wait to start on that either.. that should (SHOULD – without puppy interruptions, of course) be a one day thing, maybe two. I just really want to COMPLETE something now… I’m tired of sitting here in seamstress limbo…

Starting with this one Just need some snaps

 

* I was asked to take photos at another military ceremony (a promotion for an awesome man and great officer) recently and I was honoured to be asked. Photos came out well, despite my Speedlight giving me issues. I know that I have grown as a photographer, when something like that doesn’t phase me and I still manage to get the job done! The Viper Pit has honed my skills, for sure.

* I’m missing home terribly, recently. My friend Steph says it’s probably because everything is settling into a “normal” routine here, and I finally have come down to earth and feel the distance because I am no longer focused on other things (my green card, viper pit, school, moving). I miss my mom. I miss my beautiful dogs back home too, and my gorgeous cats. I even miss my brother.

* My husband is moving forward nicely in his school, and I am exceptionally proud of him. He’s almost completed his Maths module and has seemingly discovered a strange love/hate relationship with mathematics that he didn’t realise he had. I think I felt the same at one point, when I was in school, but after my head injury my brain is just too scattered sometimes to focus as one should. I’ve managed to keep up with him, so far, and managed to help him figure out some steps a few times… but mostly I just feel a bit pathetic and lost. It’s a horrible feeling for me – I’m not saying I was a genius before, but it’s times like that when I become aware of how much my thought processes have been scrambled from my head injury, and because I have not had to “use” those processes necessary for mathematics and more “logical” thought (which is surprising, for someone who is, generally, very logical and rational) I seem to have “lost” the pathways necessary for it. I’m very sure that with repetition and practice I would get it back, with new pathways formed in my brain, but I am a little scared that if I try, and it doesn’t come back… I am scared of how I would feel. I would feel humiliated. I would feel “less’ than I was before. I think I avoid “trying” so that I can’t disappoint myself.

That’s being pretty honest with myself. I didn’t think I could put that down in writing. There it is.

I need a cup of tea and a headache tablet.

 

Stay strong, TBI sufferers. There’s always hope, and we have more strength than we know.

 

Whirling Dervish

Every now and then I wake up to find my brain spinning and hurtling in circles and I feel lightheaded and nauseas and weak and pathetic.

Vertigo, or an inner ear imbalance causes great mayhem to my head and body.I don’t know what triggers it, and I don’t really know why it goes away either. I just hope it does.Sometimes, it stays only for an hour or so, other times I will be a quivering wreck well into the night – unable to sleep, as closing my eyes causes me to feel like I am being grabbed by the hand and swung in fast circles like one of those handheld little paper windmills that children used to play with. Same whirring noise in my head as well.My ears ring, my head feels thick and heavy and filled with frothy cream or thick clouds. My eyes even jump around when it’s very bad and I cannot focus on anything without feeling like I’m going to take a nose dive right between my own legs. The world twists and doubles over and I struggle to stay upright.I alternately sweat profusely and then shiver like a wet cat in the rain. What makes me feel the worst is the nausea when I move my head too quickly, or I bend over to pat my dog or tie my shoes or even just look up from my keyboard to the window.I would rather have the sinus headache, than this. I can at least deal with that, treat that. This spinning chaotic lightheaded mess, I cannot handle and I cannot fix. I just have to ride it out, hope I don’t have anything important to get done that day and plead desperately with my brain (my inner ear!) to settle and leave me be.Tucking my hair behind my ear causes my head to whirl and my stomach to churn. That’s just not right.I feel pathetic. Weak. This thing is invisible – I cannot explain or prove it. I feel like a disappointment, especially when there are plans.Not even a cup of tea can make it right! That’s sacrilege!Anyone else ever had this? How did you deal with it? Do you know your triggers? How to prevent it?