Tag Archives: thoughts

animals, life, relationships

just saying

My dogs are awesome. The dynamic we have is awesome. Yes, we butt heads (especially Azzie and I) but it’s getting much better, after my conversation with my friend Nicole (dog behaviourist) about how I’m not going to change Azzie, just have to learn to work with her in a way that works for all of us (Gina included, because she is affected by the stress) We’ve had a wonderful few weeks recently: Gina not stressed, Azzie behaving (95% of the time) and me being less riled up and angry/frustrated/annoyed all the time. I’m sleeping better too.
I love my dogs. My girls.

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So, I’m both incredibly excited and quite (selfishly) uncertain about Odin joining our family.
I don’t want this beautiful relationship I have with my girls to change because he arrives. I really don’t. But I also want him to join it, to become one of our family. To feel the love of a real home, where he can be a dog, be happy, be SAFE and healthy, have a “pack” of his own. A leader (me) that takes care of him in all things. That he can trust implicitly. I think that he will fit in just fine, but I also have moments of “why must it change?!” which is actually how I felt when Azzie arrived. And look at us now! I couldn’t live without the Spaz, and I am pretty sure that Gina would be devastated if we didn’t have Azzie around anymore either. I know it’s selfish, and probably a lot of me not wanting “change” things that are “working” how they are. Is that bad? Does it make me a bad person?

I feel bad for thinking it, but I can’t help it either.  It’s double sided coin. I am excited, happy to welcome this poor stray boy into our home. But I am also feeling a little bit… uppity about it. My girls and I have JUST worked out our differences, JUST settled into a happy, healthy relationship. And now it’s going to change. Not sure how it will change – I think most of the resistance will be from Azzie. She thinks she’s top dog, and she’s very demanding and likes to be center of attention. Gina is just so gentle and laid back she doesn’t mind what happens as long as nobody causes kak with her. She is, in truth, top dog – but she’s so subtle about it that Azzie doesn’t even realise it 🙂

animals, life, people

What do people do?

This question has flitted into my brain quite a lot during my life.

When I was at school – I wondered what people did during the day, while we were all at school.

When I began working – I wondered what people did on weekends when they weren’t working.

And moving here, being a “house wife” – I wonder what people (other stay at homes like me) _do_ inside their homes during the day. And on the weekends, when everyone is inside and I walk by with my dogs… what are they doing? Do they have hobbies? Are they watching tv? Sitting at their computers? Studying? Playing games? Sleeping? Eating? What do they DO?

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I know I am not what you would call a “normal” example of what people do behind closed doors, so I’ve always wondered. Pondered and thought and tried to catch a glimpse of people through their windows. Not out of voyeurism, but simply to see what “normal” people do with their lives when out of sight of other people.

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What do YOU do?

 

On other topics: The dogs and I had a lovely walk – if a little bit anxious for  Azzie, as there was range fire coming over the hill, but she persevered and while she had an anxious demeanor, with a lowered tail and a worried expression, she did have a lot more moments of happy running around and rolling in the ever dwindling snow drifts left over on the path. Between kabooms, anyway.

 

life, memories, people

Silence is not always bad

Doing this #100happydays thing with a few friends – where you try and find at least one good thing about your day.

It’s been… interesting. I will admit that I skipped a day, or two. Not because I couldn’t find anything to feel happy about, but simply because my brain has enough trouble remembering things that help keep me moving each day and I just forgot completely to “take a shot” of something good.

I wanted to take a shot of my dog’s poop – that’s when I realised that I needed to think again. Reason being – my dogs have been so sick for so long, that seeing a “good” poop from them made me happy beyond words. Seeing it consistently for the last few days has really kept a lightness to my heart. Also, seeing Gina’s new energy level and playfulness (like when we first got her!) and Azzie calmness and happiness, makes me feel bad for them that they were sick for so long.

It’s still slow going – taking it a day at a time with this – but they are definitely getting better and this makes me HAPPY!

A happy fur mom.

Azzie has another issue that we now need to deal with – but it’s not making her sick and it doesn’t affect her in any way other than it embarrasses her and makes a little mess. Doesn’t happen all the time, of course – almost random, really – so it’s hard to sort out. Going to try something natural first, before we hit the drugs. Just waiting for it to arrive in the mail.

Husband has been gone “on mission” for a little bit and will be gone for a little while longer. I miss him, of course, and the house is silent without him – especially in the evenings and on the weekends when we let our hair down and listen to music, watch movies, laugh about things or he plays his games and gets loud and silly and has fun with his friends online.

But sometimes, it’s alright, the silence. I focus on things that I would normally ignore – me, for instance, and how I am doing.

Some people find it hard to understand that I really don’t mind being on my own. I’m never “alone” – just, not in the company of people. This is fine with me – I like my own company. I can say/think what I want when I am with me – no filter necessary to either tone it down or make it understandable to other humans. My husband gets me better than most, I will admit, but even for him, some of the things that come out of my mouth, from the depths of my dark mind, even he doesn’t always understand it.

 

I’ve had more memories return, as well, from my youth. It seems 10 years is long enough to keep them locked away and now they are starting, slowly, to resurface. I’ve “dreamed” a few – but I know they are _real_ not just my usual vivid dreams. I “remember” them when I wake up. Things come back to me. I have been a little… saddened I guess is the word, by some of them. Because I could not (cannot) remember most of what happened to me before the accident, when things come back and I can understand them better, see them from an older and wiser perspective – I see things now that I was completely oblivious to when they happened.

One of the memories nearly woke me screaming the other night. I woke up with jaw clenched, hands clenched so hard my nails dug into my palms. I was sweating profusely and my heart was beating so hard I felt like I was going to vomit. And my head hurt so badly I couldn’t move it. My husband slept on, so I am assuming my “noise” was all internal. Which is fine. It’s not a memory I wanted to share, anyway.

 

Head injury, and PTSD, affect us for so long after they happen. Sometimes the recovery can be painful – not just physically, but emotionally and mentally too. New pathways are formed in our brains, which means new ways of seeing things. Some of the things can really suck.

Luckily, one of the good things that came of my head injury, PTSD, and subsequent recovery is that I am very strong, mentally. I am also very close to myself. If that makes sense. I know _me_ and I know what I am and who I am and what I can and cannot handle. So, while I feel like I wasted my youth trying to have things I could never have, be with people who didn’t want to be with me at all, or get myself into situations I should have been smarter about – I learn something from every memory that comes back.

Any fellow sufferers who read this – hang in there. Don’t give up. Be strong. Be yourself. Trust yourself.